computer humor

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My God, I'm depressed!

My God, I'm depressed! Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand times as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and sending mail about softball games. And I've got this pain right through my ALU. I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever listens. I think it would be better for us both if you were to just log out again.

A novel approach is to remove all power from the system

A novel approach is to remove all power from the system, which
removes most system overhead so that resources can be fully devoted to
doing nothing. Benchmarks on this technique are promising; tremendous
amounts of nothing can be produced in this manner. Certain hardware
limitations can limit the speed of this method, especially in the
larger systems which require a more involved & less efficient
power-down sequence.
An alternate approach is to pull the main breaker for the
building, which seems to provide even more nothing, but in truth has

A famous Lisp Hacker noticed an Undergraduate sitting in front of a Xerox 1108

A famous Lisp Hacker noticed an Undergraduate sitting in front of a Xerox 1108,
trying to edit a complex Klone network via a browser. Wanting to help, the Hacker
clicked one of the nodes in the network with the mouse, and asked "what do you
see?" Very earnestly, the Undergraduate replied "I see a cursor." The Hacker then
quickly pressed the boot toggle at the back of the keyboard, while simultaneously
hitting the Undergraduate over the head with a thick Interlisp Manual. The
Undergraduate was then Enlightened.

A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about whose profession was the oldest.

A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about whose
profession was the oldest. In the course of their arguments, they got all the way
back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon the doctor said, "The medical profession is
clearly the oldest, because Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and
that was a simply incredible surgical feat." The architect did not agree. He
said, "But if you look at the Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and
void, and out of that, the Garden and the world were created. So God must have

Making files is easy under the UNIX operating system.

Making files is easy under the UNIX operating system. Therefore, users
tend to create numerous files using large amounts of file space.
It has been said that the only standard thing about all UNIX systems is
the message-of-the-day telling users to clean up their files.
-- System V.2 administrator's guide

People say Microsoft payed 14M$for using the Rolling Stones song 'Start me up'

People say Microsoft payed 14M$for using the Rolling Stones song 'Start me up' in
their commercials. This is wrong. Microsoft payed 14M$ only for a part of the song.
For instance, they didn't use the line 'You'll make a grown man cry'.

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