Answering machine madness

Answering machine madness - authority figures:
(Militaristic mechanical voice:)
FOXTROT-LIMA-ALPHA-SIERRA-HOTEL. KEY-DESTRUCT-SEQUENCE-NOW.
THIS-TERMINAL-ALSO-ACCEPTS-VOICE-MESSAGES.

Answering machine madness - authority figures:
Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave
your name and number, I'll be right with you.

Answering machine madness - authority figures:
Lucifer speaking. Who in hell do you want?

Answering machine madness - authority figures:
Thank you for calling Soviet Embassy. No KG... Er, no

Light bulb Q&A

Q: How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, but don't ask me how they get in there!

How many NASA managers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
"That's a known problem... don't worry about it."

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes a really long time and the light bulb has to want to change.

Q) How many girls does it take to change a light bulb?
A) THEY ARE CALLED "WYMYN," AND THAT IS NOT FUNNY!

How many QA engineers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

People say Microsoft payed 14M$for using the Rolling Stones song 'Start me up'

People say Microsoft payed 14M$for using the Rolling Stones song 'Start me up' in
their commercials. This is wrong. Microsoft payed 14M$ only for a part of the song.
For instance, they didn't use the line 'You'll make a grown man cry'.

A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover

A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came
upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope.
"That's what I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow
man".
As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well,
he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."

Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence

Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
Tip #1: How to tell when you are dead.

(1) Little things start bothering you: little things like worms, bugs,
ants.
(2) Something is missing in your personal relationships.
(3) Your dog becomes overly affectionate.
(4) You have a hard time getting a waiter.
(5) Exotic birds flock around you.
(6) People ignore you at parties.
(7) You have a hard time getting up in the morning.
(8) You no longer get off on cocaine.

NEW ADDITION TO THE LIBRARY

NEW ADDITION TO THE LIBRARY:
"Sally", the department's new inflatable doll, is available on a
short-term removal basis only -- please sign her out and return her
promptly to avoid extended waits. (We are still awaiting shipment of
our "Big John" doll.)

Pittsburgh Driver's Test

Pittsburgh Driver's Test

(8) Pedestrians are

(a) irrelevant.
(b) communists.
(c) a nuisance.
(d) difficult to clean off the front grille.

The correct answer is (a). Pedestrians are not in cars, so they are
totally irrelevant to driving; you should ignore them completely.

Dear Miss Manners

Dear Miss Manners:
Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from
your face.

Gentle Reader:
Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man's saliva on
your face ...

Welcome

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