If the Earth is the size of a pea in New York

If the Earth is the size of a pea in New York, then the Sun is a beachball 50m away, Pluto is 4km away, and the next nearest star is in Tokyo. Now shrink Pluto's orbit into a coffee cup; then our Milky Way Galaxy fills North America.
-- Wayne Hayes - wayne@csri.utoronto.ca

Democrat: Give us your money. _We'll_ solve your problems.

Democrat: Give us your money. _We'll_ solve your problems.
Republican: Give us your money. We'll ignore your problems.
Libertarian: Keep your money. Solve your own problems

You've just had a heavy day commanding a starship.

You've just had a heavy day commanding a starship. You've fought Klingons off the starboard bow, kept your ship from being blown up many times, and generally worked yourself into a stupor. Now comes LOG time. You deserve more then just LOG, you deserve CAPTAIN'S LOG!
-- Dave Hoek - enjolras@spdcc.com

There's a famous, though probably apocryphal, exhange between an editor and an idle foreign correspondent

There's a famous, though probably apocryphal, exhange between an editor and an idle foreign correspondent back in the days of telegrams, when every effort was made to minimise the number of words used: E: WHY UNNEWS? IFC: UNNEWS GOODNEWS. E: UNNEWS UNJOB.

Groucho Marx

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men - the other 999 follow women.
-- Groucho Marx

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men - the other 999 follow women.
-- Groucho Marx

She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
-- Groucho Marx

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing; if you can fake that, you've got it made.
-- Groucho Marx

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.
-- Groucho Marx

The sign at the entrance to the Special Forces Training Compound

The sign at the entrance to the Special Forces Training Compound, Ft. Benning, Ga. reads:

If you kill for money; you are a mercenary,
If you kill for fun; you are a psychopath,
If you kill for both reasons, you are one of us.
Welcome!

Fran Lebowitz

Women who insist on having the same options as men would do well to consider the option of being the strong, silent type.
-- Fran Lebowitz Metropolitan Life, 1978

Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.
-- Fran Lebowitz (b. 1951) American journalist

There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness and death.
-- Fran Lebowitz

Being a woman is of special interest to aspiring male transexuals.

On one occasion a student burst into his office.

On one occasion a student burst into his office.
"Professor Stigler, I don't believe I deserve this F you've given me."
To which Stigler replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the
University will allow me to award."

Those who can't

Those who can't administrate, take dictation.
Those who can't take dictation, answer the phone.
Those who can't answer the phone, wait on tables.

Those who can't wait on tables, carry dirty dishes to the kitchen.
Those who can't carry dirty dishes to the kitchen, wash the dirty dishes.
Those who can't wash the dirty dishes, buff the floor.

Those who can't buff the floor, haul out the garbage.
Those who can't haul out the garbage, write novels.
Those who can't write novels, write short stories.

Those who can't sing, sing rock'n'roll.

Ejection Seat Instructions From the cockpit of a wwii US fighter

1) Reach between legs
2) Grasp firmly
3) Pull

Ejection Seat Instructions
From the cockpit of a wwii US fighter...

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