I would like to give you this personality test

"I would like to give you this personality test", said the outsider, "because I want you
to be happy." Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into the
toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too".

Never drink coke in a moving elevator.

Never drink coke in a moving elevator. The elevator's motion coupled with the chemicals in coke produce hallucinations. People tend to change into lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually fly in the window. Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators have windows.

Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom

Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom:
No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats --
approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.

Try staring at someone from a substantial distance.

>Try staring at someone from a substantial distance.
>(Eventually they will turn around.)

ASTOUNDING! We all know that without* telepathy staring at the back of a
person's head would freeze them into helpless immobility!

Corollary: try staring at
a cloud. eventually it will MOVE!
This parapsychology stuff is the GINCHIEST!!

There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both plants and animals.

There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both plants and animals. When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis; and when the lights go out, they turn into animals. But then again, don't we all?"

Festivity Level 1

Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each
other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around
the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors
d'oeuvres.
Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes
to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your
Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright
piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres.
Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with

Our life is frittered away by detail ...Simplify, Simplify.

"Our life is frittered away by detail ...Simplify, Simplify."
-- Henry David Thoreau
That was easy for him to say: he sat in his cabin and wrote all day, and had Ralph Waldo Emerson's wife make cookies for him, feed him, and in general do all those day-to-day chores for which he had no interest.
-- disappear (jon@lasser.org)

If you love something, set it free.

If you love something, set it free.

If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.

If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.

If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it!

God? You there, God?

"God? You there, God?" he asked
"Yes. What is it, my son?" God answered.
"Mind if I ask a few questions?" the man asked.
"Go ahead, my son, anything."
"God, what is a million years to you?"
God answered, "A million years to me is only a second."
The man asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?"
God replied, "A million dollars to me is worth only a penny."
The man lifted his eyebrows and asked his final question. "God, can I
have a penny?"
God answered, "Sure, give me a second."

The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality.

The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality. "We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"

A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"

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